These emotions are too strong, they’re becoming psychical as things are happening to my body, my legs feel so odd , my arms are tense and my head is weak, my heart kills. Last night it got so hard that I wanted to self harm, I really needed to and still do now. Earlier today the suicidal thoughts came back because this is so difficult.
I went to London today with the folks and everywhere there were memories of him. The music from out date in Edinburgh at fringe festival. This one person we saw changed the lyrics to Christmas songs and hearing them today tore me apart. Then ice skating - our first and brilliant date, someone wore the same aftershave and that especially made me cry in public. On the tube. In the car on the way back I could finally cry a little and all I could think was how I can’t lose him, I don’t want this break up to be happening as I love him so much. I’ve never been treated this well, never liked someone so much and never been in love. I hate this. I’m falling apart and I can’t stop it.